A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
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imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy