Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

The chart results are in…

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.