Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

i think we should see other cousins

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.