A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*