A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.