A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
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HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died