Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.