Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.