A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
i’m still crying at this
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
this is what they would have looked like, though
