A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
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[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
