A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
6: are snakes just neck?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Beware of fowl play.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.