A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
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*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
