Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch