A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
yeah 😭
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
