A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
