A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
