A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I ate everything, including the H.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
No. YOU-buprofen.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
