A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
A game married people play.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
