Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Usage Guidelines

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.