A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
as the prophecy foretold
