A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
You Might Also Like
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Cheer up.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.