A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour