Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

it was a valiant fight

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”