Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR