a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
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I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I need to update my racial profile.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —