A bucket of water can be used in place of a mirror, but it won’t show a perfect image of you.
Just a pail reflection.
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Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful