A bucket of water can be used in place of a mirror, but it won’t show a perfect image of you.
Just a pail reflection.
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I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
😎 🍻
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow