A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
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The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard