A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.