A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans