A librarian with a sense of humour…
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.
Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice
Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Nothing is interesting as watching two very drunk people fighting.
That’s the one time you also witness slow motion effect in reality.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Will I ever be a good parent?
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”