@nPhelendriqal

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

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@cravin4

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

@KKAlThani

Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.

@Parkerlawyer

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

@prncss_fifi

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

@inpoliteco

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

@CruisinSoozan

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

@erichwithach

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

@kimtopher22

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

@Mom_Overboard

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

@TheBeerGuy73

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see