*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see