@nPhelendriqal

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

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@StephenBCramer

I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.

@yonewt

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice

Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

@JimmerThatisAll

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

@thatudiboy

Nothing is interesting as watching two very drunk people fighting.

That’s the one time you also witness slow motion effect in reality.

@meakoopa

JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels

@AnkCoupleTO

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

@HiddenPinky

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

@sarcasticmommy4

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”