A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?