Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.