a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
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Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Lmao
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
😼🖥️
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)