Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Come back with a warrant

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

👀

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.