a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Mornin
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet