A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
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“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.