A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
