A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
This hospital has everything
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I can also cook 😂
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.