Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

😬

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

I want what they have

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir