Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

peeping toms

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

Isn’t

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”