Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

bury ourselves

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”