Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.