If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Imagine having a party on purpose.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
SPLOOT
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.