A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.