A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?