A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk