A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go