[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
tag yourself
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?