Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

Sooo many times…..

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.