[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
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“Wait, let me explain..”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.