a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and