“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
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I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.