Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.