“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Sorted
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.
But they blew it.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.