Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

I like donuts.

Twitter:

me after drinking all the wine:

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes