Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets