A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Fiction has to make sense.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?