Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs