Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

an octopus is just a wet spider

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.