A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe