Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

This is what makes twitter great

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

Vodka burrito was a success

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.