Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.