*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
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Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Yup.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.