Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

I march to the beat of my own dumb

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?