A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Jail