Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

technically true but not a great slogan

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.