A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?![]()
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When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I’ve had worse
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funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
The Birdles
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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
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[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!