A cabbage a day keeps people away.
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I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.