A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
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How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.