A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
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Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Home #decor warning.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.