a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no