a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
You Might Also Like
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?