Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”