a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
You Might Also Like
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers