A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
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Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My time has come.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew