A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.